Jack and I have "technically" been trying for almost seven years. (Yes, we baby danced without the right dancing shoes.. At least we were young and stupid, while we were still young and stupid). Anyways, seven years.. at twelve months to a year.. that's 84 times that I got it wrong.
How long do I continue to drag Jack through this? This was not what he signed up for.. it's not what WE signed up for. I can't help but wonder if Jack thinks about all the things we could be doing each month rather than hormone injections, trips to the doctor for ultrasounds nearly every other day, and being asked to pass the thermometer before we've even wiped the crusties from our eyes first thing in the morning. Is it wrong for me to want the ability to do more than that.. to worry about more than that? I want to be able to drink more than one glass of wine with dinner, I want to be able to eat whatever I want without having to worry how it is going to affect my egg quality, and I want to be able to enjoy my husband without timed intercourse and conversations about cervical mucus and ovulation.
"Miscarriage is a loss-- infertility is not".... but, isn't it?
Well, obviously, since I'm an emotional wreck already.. we're back in the game. Jack should be home from deployment soon so I've been started on Clomid, yet again. We're giving it a cycle to build up in my system before it is actually put to use. So, fingers crossed.
[ps; this will be revised later.. I'm going with next to zero sleep and there is a good chance the majority of this may not make sense. I just felt the need to blog.]
Sister, I can so relate to you. And not in the sense of how long your journey has been, as we are still in year one of what we are facing, but with the doctor giving me the Premature Ovarian Failure diagnosis - which I am fighting back with everything in me - things looked bleak, and despite being in a place where normally we wouldn't be sad every single month I start my period, we are. In fact, I am horrified every month, as well, that it may be my last period, and I watch the charts, making sure I ovulate and resting a huge sigh of relief when I do, and then holding my breath for the next two weeks praying that nothing else can go wrong and we can have a baby before it is, indeed, too late. I count how many cycles have passed, and hope that this next cycle will be different. I have all the hot pink post-its in my copy of the Infertility Cure, and your photo, in fact, could be of my book.
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Hugs, and so much love from me, and I am SO happy for you that your beloved Husband is coming home... you are in this journey together, and I think the fact that you are so caring as to how much he can take shows that you love each other and are truly together... Keep your face to the sun and hold on to Faith.
Your family is coming. :)
Hugs~
Ashley Sue